Day 5: Appreciating the mystery
“Not to what I think thou art…”
It’s so easy to imagine that we know what God is, or how God is, and to pray to that. We imagine some old man, maybe, who is loving but judgmental. After all, the Psalms are filled with the word “judgment.” Or we imagine some all all knowing being. Or we imagine something like the old images of “Father Time.” But one thing seems clear: we are humans, with human imagination. Whatever we imagine God to be, it’s only a human approximation.
C.S. Lewis wrote about prayer, writing, “not to what I think thou art, but to what thou knowest thyself to be.” God knows what God is, but I … do not. And I find it freeing to let go of trying to figure it all out – I can just let God be what God is, and allow God to be known to me however God wants to be known. It is ok not to know everything. It’s ok to allow the mystery. It’s even ok – even for someone with a scientific bent, who wants to name, to say, to know – to enjoy the mystery.
Invocation
Whatever you are, God, thank you for being here with me. Thank you for wrapping me in love today.
Meditation
This is a time to allow the “not knowing.” In this meditative practice, first we write down a list of all the things we wish we knew. Then we acknowledge that we don’t know. Then we show ourselves grace, compassion, and Divine love for doing the best we can – for acting in the best way we can, given how little we know.
Part 1. Write down a list of all the things you would ask a crystal ball or all knowing person – no matter how big and overwhelming or small or mundane. What will happen to the prices of various stocks, what your children will grow up to be, what your purpose on earth is, how long you will live. A friend wonders how much she should discipline her children for back talk. In my mid-thirties, I would have wondered with some sense of hopelessness if I would ever have a family of my own. You might wonder if it’s ok to want things or if “being good” means eschewing all material goods, like a 14th century Christian martyr. More generally, you might wonder how you are supposed to live. You might wonder what God is and what role God is supposed to be playing in your life. How are we supposed to be sure of anything?
It can feel overwhelming to think about how much we don’t know – how many decisions we have to make every minute of every day with incomplete information. How many decisions we make automatically with incomplete information, just out of habit. But all of those questions and unknowns are running in the background of our minds, all the time, like open programs taking up our working memory. This meditation has two parts:
Part 2. Look at your list of things you do not know. Speak to them in whatever way your heart wants. I’m mad about some of the things on my list – writing this in the time of COVID-19, I wish I knew when all of this would end. But I can take a moment to make peace with not knowing. (It’s not easy, but it’s possible!) One by one, let yourself react to everything on your list. Let yourself mourn “knowing,” if you need to. Let yourself wish you knew. And then let go.
Part 3. Looking at your list, don’t you think it’s amazing – really amazing – that you can do everything you do, given how many unknowns there are? You are living! You are putting one foot in front of the other, every single day. It’s totally amazing. Flood yourself out with Divine love for all that you do, even with all the unknowns in the world. Think back to Day 1 of this Shred, and open up whatever valve you have to letting Divine love flood your whole self, because you are here, you are human, and you are completely worthy of love, kindness, compassion, and celebration.
Optional Journal Practice
Journal prompt: How does it feel to make friends with mystery? Can you get your mind to be ok with the not knowing?
Practice
Note all the things that arise today that you do not know. Wave and smile at them. Allow them. And offer yourself grace, and love, and compassion. You are doing an amazing job.
Spirit Shred 